Today I realised something. I am obsessed, completely obsessed with being the best. All I ever want to do is be at the top, and this is clearly a problem. I hate myself for it.
I’ve always been a very jealous person, and really I’ve never accepted my flaws. I’ve always looked at someone else and thought, why can’t my hair be like that? Why can’t my eyes be green? Why does everyone like her, but not me? I can’t fix any of these things. I was born with straight brown hair, I can’t have naturally curly hair, but yet I wish I had long blond waves. My hair is perfectly nice but yet I wish and wish that it was like that girl’s hair on the tube. To some extent, I’m sure this is normal, but I seem to wish my life away. I always want to change something about myself and it’s so bad.
When we get a test back in school all I think about is my percentage and how it compares to my friends, if I get lower than them, I get upset. I’m just never happy unless I’m at the top.
This is where the strange part comes in though, I get incredibly embarrassed ridiculously easily over being mentioned weather I’ve done good or bad. Strange..
I put it down to being from quite a competitive family but really I think this a trait which I will live with forever, and I’m really glad I discovered it because now I can learn to control!
Lots of love, Ellie xx